One year, when I was married, my husband didn't get me a gift. Everything was from the boys. There were wonderful things like a mixer and a purse and gloves. I loved them. I really did. I kept smiling as I watched the kids open their gifts and my husband open his gifts and I waited for him to look at me with a curious expression and "find" some beautifully wrapped gift on the tree or in the pocket of his robe... but he never did.
I got up and made pancakes and more coffee. I started the Christmas ham and straightened the house and I would watch him as he came in and out of the rooms we shared... he never did find another gift that day. There was nothing for me in a box somewhere. He didn't find the little light in his heart that wanted to give me something beautiful. Something to adorn myself and bring a smile to my eyes. He didn't want to give me that gift that I could hold in my hand or see in the mirror that told me and everyone else that every day he loved me more than anything else... and the reason was simple... he didn't want to give me anything... so he didn't.
Hmmm... I guess he didn't think he was getting anything from me. That was our last Christmas together.
I am not a gift snob. Thank God because I am unable to give any gifts to my loved ones this year. I appreciate a poem, as much as I appreciate a song, as much as I appreciate a kiss, or a hug, or a sincere "I love you." spoken eye to eye. It's not that the gift wasn't jewelery or something pretty just for me. It was the total absence of any gift. Of any look or smile or anything that said, "I love you."
Obviously it was no surprise. Our days were becoming more and more difficult but usually even the biggest bastard can find some love in his heart at Christmas.... you know, for old times sake, when we were in love, if nothing else. But the cupboard was bare.
I sobbed today when I thought about that Christmas. Sobbed. I am 49.75 years old and I found myself sobbing on the morning of Christmas eve. That's whack isn't it? It's been over 15 years. I guess I wasn't really crying about him or that day. I guess I'm crying because when I walked away from him and dragged my three little boys with me I thought I was walking into a better life..... and I did but here's where the Yelling At God came into play.
My life has been so hard. So incredibly hard. I am lucky that I am so strong and love life as much as I do because if I didn't I would have chucked it in a long time ago. Since I moved out of "our" big house and moved into that teeny apartment all those years ago I have been growing as a person and getting to know myself but every single step has been a struggle. Every single day has been a challenge. I have made it to "Here" in spite of it all.
"Here" isn't so bad. In fact it's really nice in so many ways.. most days. I am more enlightened than I ever thought I could be. I am at peace in my life. I love people. I have beautiful friends. I have a beautiful family. I am loved and I love... really love. I know the definitions of Soul, Faith, Forgiveness and Unconditional Love and the best part is that I am all of those things... I live them.
But the "Bad" is kind of staring at me right now. See, I was off work today but I picked it up because I couldn't afford to hostess Christmas dinner the way I usually do and I can't afford to take gifts to my family and friends... I can't even afford to take a dish to the office pot luck.... so I'm working instead. Working but not eating. :) So that has me down. Down..
Then there's the Man-Thing... see, I'm seeing this guy.. I love him.. but I can't be with him this holiday. That's a drag but if you find another way to make it special it's no biggie right? I was just going to chat him up all day yesterday... (kind of like our Christmas) but I spoke to him once at about 1:30 after waiting all morning for his call. I haven't heard a word from him since.
Anyway, it's obvious things aren't going well on the Man-Front. It's now after 12noon on Christmas eve and I haven't heard a peep from him. *shrug*...... *sigh*...... *shrug*...... Oh well, I was afraid he was going to get me a sex gift anyway. (See footnote) This is better, I suppose but I am crushed... stomped on like a kumquat next to a bus stop.
But the Yelling At God stuff came about because as I was sobbing and feeling sorry for myself I was just thinking Why Not Me... Why can't I be the one with a warm hearth and a man sitting on the couch reading the paper while I cook and we wait for the kids to come over. I am a wonderful person. I have a good job. I love with my whole life. I don't steal. I don't lie. I don't stalk. I am clean. I am generous. I did my best as a mother. I am a good cook. I like sex. I am relatively intelligent and I know how to act in public. It just didn't and doesn't seem fair.
I started out talking to God. I reminded God that I have never quit loving him and never lost my faith through all of my struggles and my family struggles... but then I told him that right now he was really being mean. Mean... Just plain mean. I would never put my children through anything like this.... not over and over and over again. Doesn't he see what he's doing to me? My spirit is actually starting to break. I told him it was about time he started liking me more, or at least as much as the other kids. It gets hard to believe everything in life is a blessing when it always hurts so much. I told him I did all that and I was done. I want REAL Blessings and I was tired of him talking about it.. ENOUGH! E-Nuff.. It's time to start giving the really, really good blessings to me for a change...... NOW, Right Now... come on.... MOVE IT!
Mmm hmm... that's what I said to God this morning.
Then I sobbed some more.
Me - 49.75 years old - December 24, 2011
penniless
and I'm sobbing into my pillow on Christmas eve morning.
Life SUCKS..
Everyone says, "Next year will be better." this time of year. Well, I'm not taking that at face value. I'm not taking that on faith as I have always done in the past. As far as I'm concerned, right now, when it comes to faith my motto is "PROVE IT". Put up or shut up because I'm not willing to be shit on all my life.
I'm done..
I'm outta here..
I'm going to have money to spend on the people I love.
I'm going to associate, listen to and give my time - and myself - ONLY to people who love me and hold me in the highest regard.
Then - to hell with everyone and everything else
who ever stood in my way.
I think I'm having a full fledged tantrum.
It doesn't feel very good.
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(I promised a footnote) OK guys.. about the sex gifts, you know, lingerie, toys that kind of thing... really, as far as women are concerned those gifts are not for us. They are for you. We like them but not as gifts. You are to buy them and give us to them for no reason other than the obvious one. When it comes to Christmas, birthdays and Valentines day.. no... unless accompanied by something else that's absolutely wonderful and given with love and that eye contact that makes everyone else in the room disappear and reminds us why we love you and put up with all your shit.
